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Why Are We So Obsessed with Our Kids Being Independent?

Why are we so obsessed with our kids being independent?

I’ve really noticed a cultural shift in the last decade towards trying to move our kids along their developmental trajectories earlier and earlier. In QLD a while back, Prep moved into primary school, Year 7 moved into high school and all of a sudden we’re wanting kids to be doing things a year earlier. More generally, there is pressure on little people to be getting their independence in early, and if there is pressure on them, then there sure is pressure on parents to be getting them along. I think one of the unintended consequences then is that we rush our kids toward independence. This might be in physical domains (independent sleep), cognitive domains (providing less scaffolding because they “should be able to do it”) or social domains (expectations re: coping in different and unusual social situations). That rush might be quite out of alignment with yours and your child’s needs, even if it is in line with society’s.

One of the places I see this play out most acutely is in the playground. In many cases, your kiddo is quite capable of navigating the various demands of the playground (especially physical and social). As the quote for this blog suggests though, just because they can do it on their own, doesn’t mean they should do it alone. A playground provides SUCH a rich opportunity for learning for a child (from baby age through to primary/high school aged). Typically for that learning to happen though, a parent is going to need to be a key part of helping them navigate it.

Now I’m not suggesting that we should be helicopter parents constantly hovering around our kids at a playground. But similar to the rules for swimming with a child as they get older and more confident (within arms reach -> in the pool with them -> prepared to get in -> supervised), I think we could be doing something similar.

Yes, your child can run around and have a crazy time at the playground. But did you see them just cut in front of another kid in the line? Or when they were a bit too rough with another child? Or are they looking angry because it happened to them? These are such great moments to step in a little, scaffold some support and then step back out. A tiny bit of feedback or problem solving might be just enough to help them learn or remember something important.

Being able to dynamically step in and out of your child’s world does require you to be actively monitoring them and making judgement calls about when, how and if, to intervene. But if we think our kids are independent and don’t need us, our supervision or our support, then we don’t feel like we need to keep an eye on them, and so they ARE left to do it alone.

And what happens if you don’t keep an eye on things? Probably not too much! You are doing your best and no one is a perfect parent. Sometimes you need that breathing space while they go wild at the playground, or some well-needed adult time while you talk to a friend. As with all things though, can you aim to just try a touch more? Hold in mind the idea that they don’t have to manage it on their own and just one or two more times, step in when they need it.

This is general advice only – please get some specific support to address your needs. At ConnectEd Counselling and Consultancy, we believe that all families, and the communities they belong to, benefit from a little extra care and support. Whether the problems are big or small, we want to make sure everyone has the chance to feel connected – to themselves, to others and to their community. We offer counselling services to young people and families and have immediate availability. If you need some support, get in touch here: https://connectedcc.com.au/book-now/

(Written by Dr Matt O’Connor)

 

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