We all want to feel heard and listened to, but how good are we at really doing that? Especially with our kids?

Early on in my training to become a psychologist, we did intensive training in something called ‘micro-skills’. We were told this was fundamental to our trade and some of the most important skills we would use. It included complex concepts like:

– Using minimal encouragers. Translation = saying “uh huh”, “yeah”, “ok”, “mhhmm”

– Attending behaviour. Translation = making eye contact, nodding along

– Reflective listening. Translation = saying back to the person what you heard them just say

– Questioning. Translation = asking questions

Initially I thought, “well durgh, this is obvious” and then I actually practiced it and realised that this was fundamental to our trade – and to being a human – and some of the most important skills I was going to use!

Parents can often worry about the best way to support and care for their child; that notion of saying the ‘right thing’. In the majority of situations, it is less about what you say and more about how you listen. Think about your own experiences of having a great conversation with someone, or where you felt supported. Chances are, they were really engaged with you and hearing what you were saying.

Some suggestions to help you:

– We have two ears and one mouth. That is usually the ratio of how good listening goes – twice as much listening as talking

– You cannot multitask and listen well. Taking a few minutes to provide your undivided attention offers so much value to you, your child, and your relationship

– At the start, the most important thing you can do is take the time to hear AND understand what they are saying. Only then will you be able to move onto doing any of the other things we often love to do (fix, correct, advise, rescue, sympathise)

When you listen well, ask clarifying questions, and give your young person the chance to talk and share, you are contributing so much to their personal, social and emotional growth. They become more self-aware, more emotionally literate, your relationship with them grows, you increase that sense of connection…there is a lot!

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At ConnectEd Counselling and Consultancy, we believe that all families, and the communities they belong to, benefit from a little extra care and support. Whether the problems are big or small, we want to make sure everyone has the chance to feel connected – to themselves, to others and to their community. We offer counselling services to young people and families and have immediate availability. If you need some support, get in touch here: www.connectedcc.com.au

(Written by: Dr Matt O’Connor)