The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none

For all of us – whether we are a parent or a young person – setting boundaries is a hugely important interpersonal skill. Some of us find it a bit easier, many of us do not though, and that can often be to the significant detriment to our time, wellbeing and mental energy.

Being able to set and maintain boundaries as a parent can be a tricky skill. A lot of parents will often recognise after the fact (read: when the lack of boundaries has become a mega-issue) that their child might have benefited from clearer and more appropriate boundaries earlier. The opposite can be true too, with parents feeling like they need to LOCK-IT-DOWN! And maintain strict boundaries that stay that way too rigidly. Here are some tips that might help:

– There are probably two ‘categories’ of boundaries – non-negotiable and negotiable. The non-negotiable are things that are fundamentally important to you, your family and how you believe you should be in the world (tip: there should not be too many of these). The negotiable are things that are more preference oriented and potentially up for review, discussion and change over time

– Age (developmental and chronological – they are not the same thing) should play a role in establishing and varying boundaries. For younger children, this should be more parent-led, with opportunities for discussion with your child. For teens, this should be more collaborative where possible

– One of the aims of maintaining boundaries is to progressively take away your role in enforcing them. Especially for negotiable boundaries, as your child/teen demonstrates a greater ability to be independent, it is important to look at how those boundaries might be lessened or removed (e.g. curfew might get later as they get older and demonstrate they are reliable)

– As we discussed in an earlier post, this needs to be done consistently and predictably. Consistently = if you establish consequences for boundary-violations, you consistently apply them. And predictably = what you expect today, you will also expect tomorrow

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At ConnectEd Counselling and Consultancy, we believe that all families, and the communities they belong to, benefit from a little extra care and support. Whether the problems are big or small, we want to make sure everyone has the chance to feel connected – to themselves, to others and to their community. We offer counselling services to young people and families and have immediate availability. If you need some support, get in touch here: www.connectedcc.com.au

(Written by: Dr Matt O’Connor)