If I had to summarise what I hear from parents with regard to how to manage technology, that is pretty much the main message – limit, lock and block. Actually, as I write that, it sounds like a sequel to Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. And to some extent, I would agree with this approach. But first…
Limit-setting has to be done through the lens of kindness and has to be age-appropriate. Any parenting strategy uses your relationship as the vehicle, and first and foremost, you have to work on and invest in building that relationship. That doesn’t mean your child just gets what they want, but it does mean that how you go about interacting with them is critically important.
What I suggest to parents regarding technology use and friction around this is a multi-staged approach.
1. Model your own good technology habits. More on this next week. But this one really does have to happen. It is like telling our children not to smoke while we puff on a cigarette (and yes, I know that it is different because you are older and have work to do. But I’ll bet that at least a bunch of your technology use isn’t as adult-serious as you might want your kids to think!)
2. Work out what your non-negotiables are around technology use. This resource is the best I’ve seen at addressing a whole range of tech-related habits (https://www.healthychildren.org/…/fmp/Pages/MediaPlan.aspx)
3. (Where age-appropriate) Meet with your child to talk through some options for managing technology use and the changes you are suggesting. Be open to hearing their feedback on things you are willing to be flexible on. And be clear on the things that are non-negotiable. Go through the document above to negotiate it together
4. Make use of internet/router/software settings to set limits so that you don’t always have to be the enforcer. E.g. set your router to turn off all devices for the 12-year-old at 6pm and 7pm for the 16 year old
Strap yourself in for a ride! Typically when you change anything in a system, the system takes time to re-adjust. Except in this case, replace the word ‘system’ with ‘angry child’ and that is more accurate. You will likely see friction and conflict around these changes, and it is really important that you bring patience and kindness to this in terms of how you respond. In most cases, you will have taken something from that that they really liked and valued.
For next week – it is YOUR turn! Let’s look at your tech habits…
Finding the juggle a bit too much and need some support? Our team of psychologists can help – get in touch with us here: https://www.connectedcc.com.au/make-an-appointment
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(Written by: Dr Matt O’Connor)