Client portal – existing clients only

Professional Development login

It is a stereotype that psychologists love asking about your childhood. It also happens to be true!

It is a stereotype that psychologists love asking about your childhood. It also happens to be true!

In most cases, your relationship with your parents is the longest relationship you have had in your life (and possibly will be the longest relationship you will ever have). It makes sense then that this relationship impacts on who you are, and if you become a parent, how you then parent.

We’ve all been there – you say something or do something and you think “oooff…that is just like what my mum or dad did”. Sometimes we don’t even realise it is a part of who we are!

When we work with parents, we often talk about – and work on – building strong attachments. There are a lot of interpretations of how to achieve this and what it looks like, and it is not for us to say that there is a “right” way to do it. At ConnectEd, we absolutely recognise and celebrate the unique intelligence and insight that each parent and family have in raising their kiddos.

One framework that we do really like is Circle of Security (CoS). CoS helps us understand how parents/caregivers can meet the full range of needs of our little ones, helping them to establish a secure and predictable attachment. These strong attachments help our children explore the world, with the knowledge that their parent is there to step in when needed and step out when they are ready for more independence.

The picture here is the “circle” from which CoS draws its name. It shows how in the “top half” of the circle, we meet our child’s need for exploration and the “bottom half” of the circle is where meet our child’s needs for connection and safety. Typically, most of us will find one half of the circle harder – we’re more likely to want to encourage exploration or we’re more like to want to encourage connection and staying close. The challenge for all parents is to move flexibly with their child around the circle. And sometimes that circle can be a quick one! Some independent play out on the playground, an effort to get your attention that fails, and they are back on the bottom of the circle seeking out some real connection before they will explore again!

Over the top of the circle is a really beautiful tag-line (and a very great rule of thumb to hold onto).

As a parent:

Always be: bigger (“I’m the adult and can take charge”), stronger (“I can cope/manage this well enough for both of us”), wiser (“I know what you need, even if you do now”) – and do all of these things while being kind

Whenever possible: follow my child’s need (you might have heard of this as being “child-lead”)

Whenever necessary: take charge (our little people will still need us to do the first step – be bigger, stronger, wiser and kind. When we can’t follow their lead – for a whole range of reasons – we need to take charge

That is a lot of jargon and language that might feel unfamiliar. This isn’t a quiz or a test and you don’t have to ‘memorise’ the material! But if you’d like to learn more, CoS have a great book called ‘Raising a Secure Child’ and some great videos to help explain it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wpz8m0BFM8&ab_channel=CircleofSecurityInternational

This is general advice only – please get some specific support to address your needs. At ConnectEd Counselling and Consultancy, we believe that all families, and the communities they belong to, benefit from a little extra care and support. Whether the problems are big or small, we want to make sure everyone has the chance to feel connected – to themselves, to others and to their community. We offer counselling services to young people and families and have immediate availability. If you need some support, get in touch here: https://connectedcc.com.au/book-now/

(Written by Dr Matt O’Connor)

 

Your subscription could not be saved. Please try again.
Thank you for subscribing and staying ConnectEd!

Keep ConnectEd with all our free resources, webinars and information

Immediate availability!

Our team have increased their hours

Appointments available within the next 1-2 weeks