I am very fortunate – my partner is a primary school teacher – and watching her talk our toddler through the myriad of things she is learning is like watching a master at work! The way she steps in and out of the support she is providing is like a dance, with managing my daughter’s independence and her need for support. It is a dance that, when I try to do it, it is like I have read the steps, watched the tutorial on YouTube and then tried to do it and end up squashing toes!

Amongst other things, what my partner is doing is making use of the idea of ‘scaffolding’.

Scaffolding is the idea of providing the least amount of support for your child to allow them to work through a particular challenge, with a view to developing greater independence. There are a few key ideas to unpack with this:

• This can apply to behaviours (e.g. steps in a bedtime routine, learning to drive), emotions (e.g. identifying what they are feeling and how to respond to it) and thoughts (e.g. working out the answer to a question, problem-solving a situation)

• The least amount of support is important – it is a delicate balance between under-supporting (they don’t know the next step, they aren’t able to do the next step, they are overwhelmed by the next step) and over-supporting (I’ll do it for you, do this then this then this)

• In the early stages of supporting your child with a challenge, you are likely going to need to provide quite a lot of support. That’s ok! You don’t need to throw them in the deep-end with something new. Over time (even after one time?), that support can be reduced

• As kids grow, they are going to have periods of ‘regression’ – things they normally can do, that they are finding difficult to do. That is usually associated with something else (e.g. a developmental change, being unwell, struggling with some personal/social difficulties). They might need that scaffolding to be put back up for a little while as they work through it.

The point above – about not under- or over-supporting – is a tricky part of this process. A lot of parents would probably notice they go more one way than the other. And that is fine! You aren’t perfect and your child will be ok if you help a little too much or not quite enough. But if you are able to know that is your tendency, that might give you a bit more flexibility in choosing to do something a bit different

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At ConnectEd Counselling and Consultancy, we believe that all families, and the communities they belong to, benefit from a little extra care and support. Whether the problems are big or small, we want to make sure everyone has the chance to feel connected – to themselves, to others and to their community. We offer counselling services to young people and families and have immediate availability. If you need some support, get in touch here: www.connectedcc.com.au

(Written by: Dr Matt O’Connor)