And that can be very true when it comes to parenting our children when they are experiencing some big feelings. Picture it – your primary-aged child is having an absolute meltdown because they have lost their favourite toy. Or your teenager has come home from school, gone straight to their room, slammed the door and you can hear them crying on the other side.
All parents have experienced these big emotions from our kids, and they often trigger in us some pretty predictable reactions: to soothe, reassure, problem-solve or minimise. One of the things you also would have experienced though is what happens when you get it wrong – i.e. whatever you pick, doesn’t happen to be what the other person wants.
And there’s a good reason why this happens. It is typically because you missed a very important step first. So what are these steps? Well, this is where the idea of Emotion Coaching (https://www.gottman.com/…/an-introduction-to-emotion…/) can be really helpful. An adaptation of that process would involve:
1. Recognise that your child is experiencing some emotions that they might be finding tricky (obvious for some, but not so obvious for others)
2. Connect with them. Be near them and show that you are there and ready to listen
3. Listen and listen well. Seek to understand their experience without needing to judge, label, problem-solve or fix it. With younger children, help them label the emotions they seem to be feeling. For teenagers, let them clarify what those feelings are, and support if needed
4. Come up with a plan together. Let them define as much of the solution as they are capable of and support them to implement it
The steps we so often miss? Steps 1, 2 and 3. You can literally see it when you don’t connect and listen (ESPECIALLY in teenagers) – their eyes glaze over and they give you a “you don’t get it” look. And fair enough! Because you haven’t even asked or tried to understand their experience!
While these experiences are emotionally intense and can be quite exhausting, they can also be reasonably predictable when you try to patiently and supportively navigate them. There is the predictable big escalation of emotion, followed by a slight slowing down as some of the connection and listening happen and then a moderate calming when you spend time just working it through with them.
These are SUCH special moments in your parenting. They demonstrate to your child your ability to weather their storm. And those moments really grow that sense of closeness and connection.
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At ConnectEd Counselling and Consultancy, we believe that all families, and the communities they belong to, benefit from a little extra care and support. Whether the problems are big or small, we want to make sure everyone has the chance to feel connected – to themselves, to others and to their community. We offer counselling services to young people and families and have immediate availability. If you need some support, get in touch here: https://connectedcc.com.au/book-now/
(Written by: Dr Matt O’Connor)