If I dropped by your house and quizzed your family, would they be able to tell me what rules and expectations exist at home?

First of all – no, I’m not dropping by your house! But this is a thought exercise I often suggest to parents when thinking about having shared family expectations. In everyday experiences, we are constantly navigating social norms and expectations – keep your voice down in the library, let other people off the train before you get on, make eye contact when talking to people. As adults, we take a lot of this in our stride as we have lots of experience in these situations, including experience of when we get it wrong!

At home, we try to create the same sorts of experiences for our children. We try to instil in them the things we think are important and the sorts of expectations that we have of them. But how often are we explicit about these? As in, we actually talk about them. And even more, how often do we adapt and evolve them as our kids continue to grow?

For younger children, the more clearly we can state something (including WHY we are saying it is important), the easier it is for kids to take on bord and interact with. As your children get older, those expectations should evolve, as well as the way that you communicate about them. Some tips for how you can help create family expectations:

– If you are co-parenting, talk with your partner about what the important things are for you. If you’re single parenting, think it through yourself or talk with another parent if you want another perspective. That list might include things like: morals, values, behaviour, routines

– Have an understanding of what meeting those expectations looks like, so that you can clearly communicate this to your child. For example, with my almost 3 year old, I have noticed at times I’ll say “we need to sensible walking across the road”. Nice idea because we’re emphasising road safety, which is really important to us, but does a toddler understand what sensible walking is? Nope, not yet. So being clear, and age-appropriate with the language, it ended up sound more like this “we need to walk using our normal walking steps, so no skipping or running, and hold onto my hand”

– There’s no need to create a list of every single thing you want your child to do and then hand that over! You will have the ‘non-negotiables’ of things that are fundamentally important to you, and then the list of things that you want to keep working on with your child. Pick a few things at a time so you don’t get in a position where it feels like you are constantly on their back

– For older kids and teens, give them the chance to have input into these expectations (more on this in another post). For example, with expectations around afternoon routines, give them the chance to decide/have input into what this might look like and give it a shot. If it works, great! If not, refine

What are some of your expectations at home? Do you ever worry that you might be too strict or too relaxed? And if so, how do you navigate that?

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At ConnectEd Counselling and Consultancy, we believe that all families, and the communities they belong to, benefit from a little extra care and support. Whether the problems are big or small, we want to make sure everyone has the chance to feel connected – to themselves, to others and to their community. We offer counselling services to young people and families and have immediate availability. If you need some support, get in touch here: www.connectedcc.com.au

(Written by: Dr Matt O’Connor)