It is nearly Christmas time! And that means…yep, you guessed it! Meltdowns! No wait, presents. No wait, presents usually lead to meltdowns. So yes, meltdowns.
Christmas has a lot of different meanings to people. Like most things, we evolve our understanding of something by combining our past with our present and what our hope for the future of that will be. Christmas is one of the ultimate examples of the interaction between family tradition and history, culture and social expectations.
As part of this, we (adults) have a lot of ideas about what should happen, how events should look, and what sort of behaviours we should demonstrate. Unfortunately, kids don’t typically know that stuff. So us adults hold expectations over these Christmas events without really explaining to our kids what THEY can expect and then supporting them through that. As a result of this, we often hear parents talking about loads of tricky behaviours from their child. These behaviours are communication, and they are likely telling you that your kiddos need some help and support. So here are some tips for the holidays:
– As much as possible, create routine and predictability for your child (especially young kids). That doesn’t mean you have to follow a schedule. But letting them know what to expect and what is coming up. Planning quiet time for them, time away from the social demands of adults and time for you and them to connect
– Don’t make your child kiss or hug anyone they don’t want to. There are just so many things about this that are unhelpful. A bit like my blog last week on santa photos – we need to be able to respect our child’s right to control their own body. Before Aunt Judy tries to go for the kiss, jump in early and ask your child “Do you want to give Aunt Judy a kiss, hug, fist bump, high five or a wave”. And for adults who still try to force the issue – show your child that you are big enough to protect them and tell Aunt Judy that they don’t want a hug right now
– Be really extra patient. Like EXTRA patient. Try to understand WHY your little person might be struggling rather than resorting to just being cross with their behaviour. Look to connect with them as chances are what they need most is your help to slow down and regulate. And plus that can be a nice excuse for you to escape for some quiet time too!
– Look after yourself. Christmas time can be really tough for a lot of people. We idealise many aspects of it, but the reality is that coming back together with extended family can bring up a lot of stuff, plus the social, financial, practical and emotional demands can really quickly wear us down. There is a significant increase in calls made to Lifeline between Christmas Day and New Years Day – a reflection of the impact these days can have on people
My non-professional suggestion then for enjoying the Christmas break with kids? Get rid of as many of the expectations about what you ‘should do’ and what it ‘should look like’ and aim to do the thing that Christmas is meant to be about: enjoying time together with loved ones (i.e. not cooking 15 dishes, wrapping 50 presents, visiting 3 homes, decorating a giant Christmas tree!)
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At ConnectEd Counselling and Consultancy, we believe that all families, and the communities they belong to, benefit from a little extra care and support. Whether the problems are big or small, we want to make sure everyone has the chance to feel connected – to themselves, to others and to their community. We offer counselling services to young people and families and have immediate availability. If you need some support, get in touch here: https://connectedcc.com.au/book-now/
(Written by: Dr Matt O’Connor)