Kids listen more than we think
A little while ago, I was trying to give my little one an analogy to help explain how worry/anxiety/fear can be reinforced. I started by explaining how when our dog was a puppy, she learned that if she went to one of us (in particular!) for treats, she was more likely to get a treat. As she got older, she got more persistent and insistent about wanting treats and snacks, except no amount of treats ever seemed enough. She just needed more and more! You see, this is a great analogy for understanding how when we worry, and seek something that immediately helps (often that is avoidance or something that provides quick comfort), we learn that this is the only way we can cope with that particular worry. Now this isn’t necessarily true of infrequent worries. If you see a snake, it is a great idea to avoid that snake! But if you are worrying about trying something new so avoid it, and you do this over and over, you learn that avoidance keeps you safe and that new things are too scary for you to cope with.
Anyway, as I was getting through the analogy with my little one, I started to realise that it might be a bit over her head. I’m more used to support teens and I realised I probably missed the mark with this example. This was reinforced by the fact that as soon as I finished, she abruptly changed the topic and that was that!
…except it wasn’t quite
Today, we were driving in the car with a school friend. I was explaining to her what my job is as a psychologist (helping people with their thoughts and feelings) and my little one chimes in with how I help HER with her feelings, like worrying. And then low and behold she starts explaining the puppy analogy! Now she didn’t get it quite right…she missed some of the key point of how excessive reassurance-seeking can lead to excessive worry. But who am I to judge!
If you’d asked me, I would have told you that she didn’t get what I had tried to explain and that it was a bit of a parenting miss, but I was wrong. Whether we get the feedback or not, our kids are listening. To what we say out loud, to what we don’t say, to how we act and react. And they are absorbing those lessons. So we aim to set good examples and try to be good enough, and when we aren’t or can’t, we let them know that we made a mistake, because that is a beautiful lesson as well!
This is general advice only – please get some specific support to address your needs. At ConnectEd Counselling and Consultancy, we believe that all families, and the communities they belong to, benefit from a little extra care and support. Whether the problems are big or small, we want to make sure everyone has the chance to feel connected – to themselves, to others and to their community. We offer counselling services to young people and families and have immediate availability. If you need some support, get in touch here: https://connectedcc.com.au/book-now/
(Written by Dr Matt O’Connor)